Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.