An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.