Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Hold on for deer life.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.