For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.

What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland

I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.

I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.

What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.

My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.

Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.

My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.

What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.

What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF

Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.

"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood

Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!

What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.

Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.

What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry

What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.

Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.

What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.

How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.

What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.

What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.

Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!

I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!

Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.