What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
"You can't sip with us."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
You're the only sight I want to see today.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Let me plant one on ya!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.