Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!