My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
The huddle is real
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.