What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Bookworms take shelfies.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.