A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"