What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.