Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.

They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.

Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.

For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.

How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!

“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.

Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.

You're hotter than a data center!

How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.

Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"

What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ

Can I slip one past your goalie?

Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.

Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!

Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland

What do you call a group of nuts? A nut

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers

What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.

“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”

— Neil Simon

Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin

I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.

I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.

Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.

What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.

TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.

"You're totally scrambling my brain."

Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere

How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.

I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".

Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel

Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.