What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
Calm before the score
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
You are un-beer-lievable!
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Hello there, how do you brew?
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.