“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.