What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.