How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I like you sow much.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!