Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"