Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
We like to paddy.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I think, therefore I’m single.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.