Dialysis is a blood bath.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Case in punt
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Your good weed for the day.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis