Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
You’re my pot of gold.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Make it rein.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".