I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
I read dead people.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Avoid pier pressure.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.