Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I eat eel while you peel eel
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.