Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Tropic like it's hot.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"Read between the wines."
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.