Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Shake your shamrocks.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
You raise the bar.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.