"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Whatever coats your boat.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.