I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark

I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.

The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.

I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff

They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician

Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.

“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.

What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.

Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other

Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.

Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!

After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.

Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.

Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.

Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.

“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!

My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."

What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

Water you doing on [date]?

"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar

To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!

We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.

Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.

What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”

Dad: “Four shore!”

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.