When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Have you botany plants lately?
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
I love you a tot!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.