Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I like you a latke!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Join us for plenty of play action.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!