We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
You’re my pot of gold.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?