What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.

What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.

I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.

What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!

What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.

What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.

What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.

“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell

This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!

Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.

If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.

Look for a rainbow connection.

Octopus ocular optics.

Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”

Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.

I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!

What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"

“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”

A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!

Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.

On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"

"No. I'm a tad-pole."

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child

How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

I Tour de Francy you.

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.

I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive

What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Only a**holes use bidets.

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!

The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters

What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.