At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.

This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.

What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.

I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu

If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.

What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.

Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.

He’s my pinch charming.

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation

How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

"I make pour decisions."

“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”

Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.

Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age

Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.

“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

– John Ruskin

“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher

Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous

What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!

When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".

What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)

What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman

What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!

"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!

What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.

Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.

Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.

You had me at taco.

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones

What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.

A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.