“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I have a heart-on for you.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!