Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.