What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
I'm pine-ing for you.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
"Time to wine down."
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."