God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
I cannoli be happy
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.