It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.

If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.

I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.

"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain

A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.

We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!

What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.

Seas the day!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.

Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.

I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.

All farts...are laughing gas.

Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.

There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.

Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.

Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.

“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge

What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.

What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.

What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.

Where do fish wash? In a river basin.

Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.

My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."

Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau

What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!

Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.

“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown

I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause

I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.

The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.

What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.