Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
I love you berry much.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.