Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!