The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.