Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
We like to paddy.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
I beg your garden?