Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
I fence-y you.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Can I be Candide with you?
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”