I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Something’s goat to give.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Variety is the ice of life.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Everybody romaine calm.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Goat milk?
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.