How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!