Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous

Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.

Your gravitational pull is irresistible!

Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.

My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.

Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner

My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.

Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.

What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch

How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.

What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.

Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?

I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.

Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.

Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.

Give me some pigskin

Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.

A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!

Don’t be elfish.

Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.

My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.

“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown

Can you give me directions…to your heart?

My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!

What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.

What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.

What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.

You are shrimply the best!

What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”