Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
You seem a little mer-mad.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
You're so clover!
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.