" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman

How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.

What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.

Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck

"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous

When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.

All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.

Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.

What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather

What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.

The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.

Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?

What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.

What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!

Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !

What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.

My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store

Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Al.

Al who?

Al give you a kiss if you open the door.

I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.

The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!

Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?

You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.