There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
You had me at cello.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
I read dead people.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Honestly, I really lilac you.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.