A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!