My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
You’re my lucky charm.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
I like your tight end
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.