Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
There’s snow one like you.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.