Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Nice asteroids.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
He threw three free throws.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.