The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.