Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
You have goat to be kidding me.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.