Snow thank you.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
The calm before the score
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
I'm acorn-y person.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.