“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I think you're mer-mazing.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.