"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
"Some bunny loves you."
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table