"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
You are so right. And I am so left.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.