I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
I like big punts and I cannot lie
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange