What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Ah! The element of surprise.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
I like you cherry much.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
"I'm nuts about you."
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!