How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
"My cat doesn't like you."
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!