Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.

If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.

Water you doing?

What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.

What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.

What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right.

When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.

Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.

It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

- Rodney Dangerfield.

What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

Staying humble thanks to that fumble

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.

Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.

Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.

I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.

Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi

Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.

What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.

Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.

What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!

What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!

Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.