How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.