Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.