When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Wow, you drive me Davi
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.