I always have a souper time with you.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
You are aged to perfection.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.