The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
You’re a perfect ten(t).