Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Nice beach balls, can I play?
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.