Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
I’m elf-taught.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Have you botany plants lately?
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley