Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I would give anything to be your personal item.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener