Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens