A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
Baby, you rock my world!
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.