Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Resting Grinch face.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."