“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
We make a great pear
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
Time to celery-brate.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.