A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
The superconductor left without resistance.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”