So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
I sulfur when you argon.
"Eggs love you."
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
You're hotter than a data center!
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
After all is sled and done.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.