An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!