Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?