If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.