You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.