Trowel and error.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
You sleigh me.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
"For peep's sake."
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
I'd drink your bathwater.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
"I need to re-wine my life."
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Beach, please.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous