You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.