We like to paddy.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Hey, girl. Are you a soccer player? Because yuo look like you can play ball even without hands.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.