A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes