What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

You’re a cutie 3.14159265359

“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith

My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.

“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.

Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!

What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.

Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

They figured it was the best way to break the ice.

Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.

What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.

What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!

I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.

I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.

Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?

What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”

You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.

What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!

Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.

"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash

Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.

What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”

Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.

Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.

Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.

I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.

My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace

When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!

Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.

Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?