"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”