“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
As it snow happens.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)