Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Nice pumpkins!
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.