Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.