“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I beg your garden?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison