What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!