Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!