There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
Shell yeah.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!