"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.