Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
I get a real kick out of you.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.