“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.