“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.