"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."