Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.