What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
I’m soy into you.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Birch, please.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.