“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.