One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Your pace or mine?
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.