People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Snow thank you.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.