I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
All clover the world.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Want to lock our bikes together?
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Shell-abrate the good times!
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.