Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!