I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
We like to paddy.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Don't get tide down.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."