I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
You’re my heartthrob.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.