Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
I always have a souper time with you.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
You dropped something. My jaw.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Fall is a-maize-ing.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.