I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
You leave me Wonton more.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!