"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I told you snow.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Pirates Private Property.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Witch you were here.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.