My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.