How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
"I've found some bunny to love."
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.