“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.