Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Treat yo shelves.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Lettuce go on a long drive.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.