When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
"My cat doesn't like you."
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Ants in your plants.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Shell yeah.