What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
You are one well-defined function!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.