Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
I like you, you croc my world.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
I love you a tot!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."