Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Long thyme no see.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.