When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I have no shelf control.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
You are pitcher perfect.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
You’re my lucky charm.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.