How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Fairies just wand to have fun.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Don’t be elfish.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue