What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.

Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus

“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.

A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?

Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.

What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.

What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle

What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.

What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.

Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.

"Family Love"

A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?

I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.

You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!

What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.

After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.

A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!