What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
I whale always love you.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
We bee-long together.
Time to spruce things up.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.