As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
The temperature can only go up from here.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)